“It’s life, Jim, but not as we know it.” How the world will have changed by the time we emerge from coronavirus lockdown

Easter is here and it couldn’t be a weirder one.

Optimistic sentiments about new beginnings, new hope, new futures and life in general are uncomfortably juxtaposed with a melting pot of coronavirus uncertainty, swirling around us like the very definition of madness and mayhem.

Our nation will never be the same again after this particular crippling pandemic.

Nor will the world economy.

Yet, for now at least, let’s thank goodness and God and all the deities about the fact there still seems to be enough chocolate in the world to help us through this traumatic experience.

[Uses daily exercise allowance to dash to shop for bona fide essential supplies of edible Easter bunnies and Cadbury Creme Eggs. Ooh, and some of those cute little Mini Eggs, with their overwhelmingly satisfying crispy sugar shell. #religion]

But forget about the panic-inducing thought of potentially having to survive the coronavirus lockdown without chocolate.

And forget about the impending implosion of society that’ll lead to the fall of capitalism –  after all, this is surely where we’re headed now we’ve all woken up to how totally pants the current status quo is, where the rich get richer and the poor are unequivocally screwed – and let’s get our heads round some of the really important and existential stuff instead.

Things like our attitude to body hair and garden hoses.

No, that isn’t a euphemism.

Things like how on earth we’ll cope with the temptation of boozing every night and, perhaps even more importantly, will we be able to resist the overwhelming urge to cut our own hair when it gets so long we start to resemble a Yeti?

And what will the implications be if baking and board games become so boring we’re forced to rediscover the lost art of nookie, if not as a display of love and affection then simply to pass the time?

Being told to step off the corporate treadmill and spend more time at home was always going to be contentious but who knew we’d have to recruit thousands of midwives to deal with the fallout?

Without further ado, here are some of my predictions for what the world will be like by the time we all wake up from the living nightmare that is coronavirus and can finally start looking beyond the fug to the future.

Brave new world indeed.

• We’re all going to be super hairy. Already we’re seeing hairy legs to rival Bigfoot’s and beards taking over actual faces – and we’re only a few weeks into lockdown. Just imagine what things will be like come summer.
• Following on from this, Boots is going to make a fortune on razors and leg waxing kits. It’s basic maths.
• Likewise: home hair dye kits. Flat, dull, lacklustre bonces and offensively dark roots are already becoming too much for many of us to bear. Now we no longer have to naff about going to work every day, or look respectable for Board meetings, all manner of weird and wonderful hair colours will come to the fore, transforming our humble heads into things of wonder and awe. Purple, green, pink. You name it, there’s no shortage of options when it comes to tarting up our tresses. My personal fave is electric blue.
• Also: disastrous haircuts. We’ll start with ‘just trimming a bit off our fringe’ but before you know it will have hacked into the whole darn lot. It’s just too tempting to resist once you get going. This video of a shepherd shearing his own hair has gone, a-hem, viral. More than 164,000 people have already watched it. Advisory: DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME!
• We’ll all be addicted to garlic. No more do we have to worry about stinking the office out next day with our smelly breath and wafty armpits. Now is the time to embrace the amazingness of the Allium to full effect, dear people, without fear of consequence or judgement. All hail enforced social distancing.
• Our livers will be in a right state. To uphold our infamous reputation as dedicated binge drinkers who need only the scantest of excuses (or none whatsoever) to consume alcohol, we Brits are fully embracing the opportunity to hit the bottle with unbridled wild abandon. There’s just no stopping us now we no longer need to worry about inadvertently being over the limit when we drive into work the next day or having to endure a dreaded office hangover. And with so many people already on the verge of strangling various family members, alcohol has fast become the nation’s non-prescription and entirely legal drug of choice. Let’s crack open the bubbly to celebrate.
• Homes and gardens the world over will be looking super flash thanks to our new-found love of anything and everything to do with cleaning, decorating and gardening. Never has boredom and sheer desperation yielded such incredible ‘House Beautiful‘ results, although of course it’s important to stay safe, so you don’t end up having to head to A&E when the NHS could really do without it. Keep calm and paint / pressure wash your driveway / plant things / mow the lawn / put up shelves / build a wardrobe.
• Commercial property lets will take a huge hit. Bricks and mortar offices, with everyone crammed into the same space for the sake of it, because extroverts love living in each other’s pockets and being constantly interrupted during working hours, will become a thing of the past for scores of businesses. Many of us were already waking up to the fact presenteeism isn’t the same as productivity but the coronavirus lockdown has driven the point home in no uncertain terms. Business owners will start wondering why they’re paying sky-high rates for office space they simply don’t need.
• Shareholders with a stake in cleaning products, telecomms or tech will be millionaires. Handwashing, remote working and virtual team meetings will continue well beyond lockdown and those who own a slice of the action are set to make it big.
• Driving our cars will feel really weird. It’s always surreal when you get back in the driving seat after going away on holiday or being off sick, so just imagine what three or four months of not having to know where the clutch and steering wheel are will do to your ability to manoeuvre tonnes of metal on tyres around. It’ll be like learning to walk all over again.
• Divorce rates will sky-rocket. Cabin fever is going to be the final nail in the coffin for relationships already under the strain of ‘I don’t like you as much as I used to and the fact we hardly see each other anymore because we’re both too busy with work is actually a good thing’ syndrome.
• There’ll be a massive baby boom. Boredom + surviving the apocalypse = bedroom acrobatics. OK, maybe not actual acrobatics, but action at least.
• Kids will finally learn how to cook instead of just bung chips in the oven. One small step for microwaves, one giant leap for mankind.
• Influencers will rule the world. Hardly surprising given how much everyone’s in need of human contact and self affirmation at the moment. Influencers are perfectly placed to benefit from the way everyone’s turning to the internet and social media for information, opinion, sanity saving tips and general interaction with other people.
• Siestas will become the norm. Let’s face it, they’ve always been the way forward, but traditionalists have been clinging to old-fashioned rules of acceptable social behaviour for way too long, bugging the hell out of progressive types who listen to the science and have been advocating apres-morning snoozes for quite some time. Get with the programme, boring old gits: mid-afternoon naps totally rock. And they’re good for your health, too.
• Lie-ins will fall from favour. By contrast to the steaming success of siestas as a new way of life for us all, grabbing an extra 20 minutes in bed of a weekend will seem like an increasingly pointless and futile exercise when the reality of the situation is you can do this all the time in lockdown anyway. Which is great, really, because no one knows what day it is anymore – and if they say they do they’re either lying or completely delusional. What once felt like a blissful luxury or an act of rebellion has suddenly become totally moot. Bloomin’ coronavirus.
• Men will start doing more housework and childcare: it’s inevitable when you’re trapped in the house with a load of sproglets and an other half who doesn’t even remember what it’s like to have a wits’ end, having gone way past it (and beyond) somewhere back in March. A big win indeed for self-sufficiency, equality and the world of tomorrow. Turns out global pandemics and national emergencies do have some upsides.

Here are some other (slightly more serious) things the recent state of affairs is causing us to dwell on and question more than ever:

• Our food supply chain.
• Our dependency on supermarkets.
• Our predilection for convenience food.
• Our inability to cook for ourselves or even teach our kids how to use a wooden spoon, much less create anything more sophisticated than beans on toast.
• Our obsession with looking perfectly polished all the time (which seems somewhat shallow and pointless now we’re all in lockdown – unless you work in TV or entertainment and are therefore frequently wheeled out by This Morning / BBC News to impart wisdom about coping with social distancing and explain how your newfound love of doing star-jumps in your living room is because of a genuine midlife epiphany about wanting to be fitter and healthier and not in the slightest related to the fact Joe Wicks is involved. Excellent bone structure, cutesy foppish curls and adorable puppy-dog eyes have absolutely nothing to do with it. Honest.)
• Our relentless pursuit of money at the expense of practically everything else.
• How selfish and self-gratifying humans can be, as laid bare by the shameless stockpiling that went on at the start of all this.
• Our preoccupation with slagging off social media for being the root of all evil when in fact we’d probably all have gone completely stir-crazy already if it weren’t for the likes of Instagram and Facebook keeping us connected and (vaguely) sane.

But as well as a load of negatives, there’s a massive flipside of positives, too. Our spirit of love, support and kindness; our propensity to share and look out for each other; our innate ability to communicate and bring people together when times are tough and they need to know we care.

All of this, good and bad, is going to bring about a hugely significant sea-change in how we do things, how we view things and how we pursue things.

Society, economics, our opinions about body hair, our thoughts on garlic – nothing will ever be the same again.

Things have changed beyond all recognition and it’s going to take a while, if not an eternity, to get back on an even keel.

But we’ll be OK, dear warriors and fighters, just so long as we have chocolate.

It’ll be life, Jim, but not as we know it.