Universally acknowledged facts – the world according to me.

Today’s lunchbreak has been a productive one, as proven by the hugely insightful musings below; ‘the world according to Sooze’, if you will. Some might make you chuckle, some might make you think, but all are unequivocal, certain, unwaveringly factual truths that simply cannot be denied.

Who’d have thought a midday peanut butter sarnie could yield such incredible results?

Life is hard but it can be beautiful. Cherish what makes you happy instead of dwelling on what makes you sad. [I made that up all by myself.]

Bad stuff happens to good people. No one’s immune from the proverbial you-know-what hitting the fan – it’s impossible to go through life without being on the receiving end at some point. Pick yourself up, dust yourself down and remind yourself you deserve to win at life. Then get back out there and prove your awesomeness.

Cheap teabags rarely cut the mustard. Pillow-sized sacks of the stuff always seem like a good idea at the time but inevitably end up being a massive fail. ‘You get what you pay for’ certainly applies here. A good cuppa is one of life’s little pleasures (some might say essentials) so do your soul a favour and feed it well.

Accepted wisdom might only be around because no one’s ever challenged the status quo. Stick your neck out if it’s attached to a head that contains a brain capable of independent thought. No one ever got anywhere by being a sheep.

Being fixated on your weight is a miserable place to be. Change your mind and your body will follow. Outlook is everything.

Your heart will get badly broken, probably more than once. It will mend, but give it time and be kind to yourself. Healing is an essential part of survival.

Sproglets who go around screeching and screaming in a blood-curdling fashion worthy of a Hammer Horror Oscar should be silenced in no uncertain terms. You can achieve this in several ways:

1) Do some actual parenting and tell them to stop.

2) Authorise your neighbours to do your parenting for you – or at least don’t get aggressive when they seize the initiative.

3) Take out a home improvement loan and create a soundproofed room in which to confine the little darlings. Alternatively, fund the project with the money you were saving for their university education. The robots will have taken all our jobs by then anyway.

British summertime will always be a total wipeout featuring mud, floods and wet blustery weather…apart from when it’s too hot and ends up causing death, carnage and general mayhem. Have a cup of suitably priced properly brewed tea and carry on.

Fashion bloggers and influencers deserve respect, if only for their relentless and dogged determination to get the money shot, so to speak. Taking a decent photo of yourself is far harder than it looks, especially when you want to show off a nice outfit and not look like a total muppet. [I should know – I’ve tried it.]

While we’re at it, let’s also applaud the models of this world. How they manage to avoid looking like total idiots or certifiable psychos when not being snapped in a happy social situation of their own choosing is totally beyond me – especially when you see some of the ridiculous clothes they’re forced to wear. They even manage to make loads of money and become successful business people, proving brains and beauty are not mutually exlusive. Some people get all the gene pool luck.

Fashion shopping saviours everyone should channel

As something of a seasoned clothes, shoes and handbags addict who’s been honing her shopaholic craft for many, many years, I feel it my duty to share my wisdom with the masses.

Take heed, dear fashionistas: savvy stylistas aren’t just about looking good, they know all about being clever, too….

THE POINT OF NO RETURNS

If there’s even a smidgen of a chance you’ll end up in a shop that doesn’t offer returns, be sure to wear easily strippable attire so you can try stuff on there and then, to make certain you definitely want to keep it. There’s nothing more infuriating than not being able to find anything to swap it for when you take it back. Likewise, how many credit notes have expired before you’ve had chance to spend them? Don’t let those canny retailers get the better of you.

BRA-LLIANT THINKING

When you find a bra that fits like a dream and creates exactly the silhouette and shape you want, be sure to buy two. Bras have an important yet tricky job to perform but can be an absolute nightmare to shop for, especially if you have a large bust and a small back. They also get a heck of a lot of wear and tear, so having more than one in the same style and design means:

– fewer stressful shopping trips.

– fewer bra funerals.

– fewer angry meltdowns of the ‘why is my favourite bra ALWAYS in the wash when I need it?!’ variety.

GO UNDERCOVER

Same goes for hosiery and shapewear – be sure to double up when you find the holy grail of tights or knickers, because you’re unlikely to find the same ones again next year. If they don’t roll up, dig in or make it impossible to go to the loo, you’re on to a winner. Not all undercrackers are created equal. It’s basic fashion maths.

WALK TALL

High heels are never comfortable. Fact. Even mid-heels and flats can be deceptive little blighters, lulling you into a false sense of security when in fact they’re going to rub to high heaven, pinch horribly in all the wrong places or make your poor little tootsies ache if you walk more than a few hundred yards in them. Remember to:

– allow extra space for insoles if you need them.

– take the shoes home and wear them round the house for as long as you’re likely to in real life, ie several hours, then return them if they’re not up to the job.

– always have plasters handy for strappy numbers (shredded foot skin is not a good look.)

– think ahead and have a back-up plan. If you still can’t resist seriously impractical footwear – no matter how unfeasibly high and significantly likely to result in a broken neck/ankle/spirit – be sure to only ever wear them in Carter Bar situations (car-to-bar) and/or have someone on standby to carry you round if need be.

IN THE BAG

I’ve whinged about micro-bags and clutches before (especially the hard ones) and I’ll do it again: THEY’RE INTOLERABLE! OK, if you find one big enough to stash all your worldly crap in, then absolutely go for it, but chances are you won’t. And if they do happen to be roomy enough you can be darn certain they’ll be really awkward and annoying to carry. Another bugbear is chain straps. Who wants metal digging into their shoulder all night and leaving an unsightly mark? Check the object of your affection serves the purpose you need it to before parting with your cash.

HIT THE BOTTLE

If you’re not one of those people who carries a bottle of (non-alcoholic) drink around with them all the time, a major shopping spree is the time to start. Having a mouth more parched than the Sahara isn’t helpful when you’re trying to make executive decisions about the extent to which you should empty your current account or abuse the plastic. This point is especially pertinent when:

– there’s a heatwave on.

– there’s a sale on.

– you’re dragging your anti-shopping other half round with you and need to be able to yell at them when their whingeing gets too much.

– you’re on such a mission or are so pressed for time that refreshment pit-stops and loo breaks are simply not an option.

Have fun…and good luck!